The HIGH TIMES weekly astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

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ARIES

Remember Alfred E. Neuman? This cartoon boy was the mascot of the bizarre ‘humor’ magazine Mad. A feckless, freckly, ginger headed, gap toothed, wonky-eyed sneaky trickster kid with jug ears and a terrifying half grin on his mug. As a child I had reoccurring waking visions of his floating head laughing manically, faster and then slower in a never ending, relentless loop. It was obsessive and frightening – and this I use to represent your week. You don’t need to explode like fireworks to rid your mind of dark thoughts. A meditative mind should ease the madness, and by midweek he should be sleeping peacefully in his scary little disembodied skull bed. Strain recommendation: Purple Dream

TAURUS

Yes, your suspicions are correct. You are not the best person for this particular job. Your colleague would do it much better than you. So do you concede and pass it off, risking disappointment from the higher-ups? Perhaps you could dig a Google hole and learn everything possible in two sleepless nights? Or secretly contract the gig out to an old nerd pal from high school? Or—and this is just a suggestion—you could innovate your way out. Turn this dog on its head and call it a muskrat with a hangover. No one knows pukey muskrats like you. Strain recommendation: Dream Beaver

GEMINI

A ‘networking party’ sounds to you like a ‘painting party’. An opportunity for someone to get free work out of you by calling it a party. Networking gives off the lure of future success, but often takes the form of awful people practicing their two-sentence sound bites out while assessing if you are, or have access to, a bigwig. You have a window of reverse world-ism this week to take advantage of though, a time when you could attend one of these potentially horrific soirees to find it profitable. Most astonishingly, you may also find a moment to deepen your soul’s database. Strain recommendation: Wonka’s Bubblicious

CANCER

From the top deck of the bridge you make your speech about the inevitable trials and tribulations that come with a long sea journey. All sailor eyes are on you, Captain! You make sure to end your soliloquy with some hope, and by recalling the names of loved ones left behind, fallen comrades and future generations depending on your collective mission to succeed. Take control of the helm. Give the command to push off; the truth is out there, around where it says “beware of monsters” on the map. Strain recommendation: Drizella

LEO

You’re usually quite masterful at making the cash you need, but your luck has been soured lately. Turn your imagination to the task of an all-encompassing, moneymaking, day-dreaming session. Make a list of your top ten solutions, and then pick the least reckless one. Email the rest to a friend who is in need of a financial boost. You don’t need any more risky monetary adventures—that’s how your fortune went wobbly in the first place. Strain recommendation: Loud Dream

VIRGO

There is a room in your head that holds a pile of objects. It isn’t garbage. The little hill is made of personal entanglements, represented by material items; from within your sense of self, from relationships that need tending, from habits and leftover bad spells. As you pick up a pair of bowling shoes, identify where they come from, why they are there, and if they go in the keep or throw-away box. What does this half made birdhouse represent? And this black old man sock? Why do you want to keep it? What is it giving you now, as opposed to what it once gave you? Strain recommendation: Puna Budder

LIBRA

You bravely put your heart on the line, and now you are dying waiting for the reply. Oh and it hurts! The wait, you think, is worse than a bad response. What you get back is mixed and confusing. So you run about, demanding everyone explain what they think it means. And now “I’m dying,” you think, from the analysis. SIT DOWN! Take a moment to separate truth from fear and confusion. You’ll thank god you didn’t really die because now you finally know what to do. Strain recommendation: Sunshine

SCORPIO

Sometimes you have to put it all aside. The good, the bad, the boring, the excitement, the responsibility and the fun events—everything that constitutes your life. It all stops when you gift your time entirely to someone else. They need you. Need, not want. And that takes priority. That is love. When their needs surpass your wants, every time. So you walk into their bubble world, willingly, and you put down your personal baggage upon entering, knowing you can only reclaim it once your job has been fully completed. Strain recommendation: Starfighter

SAGITTARIUS

It’s a slow burner this week. Like one of those films that start out quietly, a little long and boring and you reconsider your involvement capacity. Then something absolutely unexpected happens. It seems almost small and silly at first, but then suddenly the lead character is standing in the middle of a field that is slowly being invaded by puppies. Beautiful, cuddly, totally absurd amounts of puppies. It’s almost scary. Why are they here, what do they want, how does one get out of there without stepping on them? Yes. This is your week. Enjoy—and bring scuba gear. Strain recommendation: Alien Asshat

CAPRICORN

You have been putting this off for a very long time, perhaps your entire adulthood. That one area of your life that you work hard on, are dedicated to but yet never quite achieve greatness in that needs resolution. You have the goods, but you don’t really value your skills. No one is coming to usher you through the big doors marked “success”. This path isn’t working, so you need to embrace the idea that you are the only one responsible for getting it done. There is no windfall coming. No more mucking about now. Strain recommendation: Haole

AQUARIUS

You are usually such a charming person, so when some new acquaintances don’t fall under your spell you feel a little sad and lonely. You miss your old friends, the ones that see how awesome you are without you having to try. Stop worrying about the lack of impression you are currently making and enjoy how your creativity is bubbling up, ready to float you through to a new appreciation of yourself. A whole new level of inspiration is within reach, as long as you refocus your internal intentions slightly. Strain recommendation: Wonder Woman

PISCES

Renouvellement! This is the dawning of the week for Piscerians. You’ve been up and down for a long time, and then you got stuck in the mire of sadness. Well, there are no more back and forths to be had. There’s just you, and what you make of it. And now, finally, you are opening the curtains and letting some air in again. And right there, tapping on the windowpane is a new love / a renewal of an old one / a new creative expression. Do I have to slap you with a dead fish? Stop waiting for it to come to you. Strain recommendation: Humboldt