Can someone please stop the floor? I'd like to get off.
We all know the old saying about drinking liquor before beer and vice versa, but where in that rhyme does weed fit in? Beer before grass, you're on your ass; grass before beer, you're in the clear? Or is it the other way around? Who knows? All I'm absolutely positive of is that the lager/pot mix often results in a deadly reaction that puts my stomach's insides all over my outsides. Usually my shoes. Though lately I have been working on my aim.
What is the exact dosage and ratio of ale to marijuana that makes me sick? And, more importantly, why does this happen at all? Why must I separate two of my favorite pleasures like they were bickering playground schoolboys? Why are my only other options either vigorously watching over the two and carefully monitoring their intake, or ending the evening with a bout of vomiting, blackouts or random people in my bed (who could also induce vomiting and blackouts)? We have to get to the root of the problem, and fast.
Personally, I suspect this is one of God's little games he likes to play with us peon humanoids. Very similar to such good-time pranks as making women their horniest when it's that time of the month and making everyone attracted to their best friend's boy/girlfriend. With God himself against us, it may seem that the buds-and-beer set should just give up—but don't throw your six-pack out the window just yet, dear stoners. After extensive research, I have finally come up with the best way by far to combat the sit'n'spin effects of our two bestest of friends. Follow me:
First, I doubt you'd be reading this magazine if weed wasn't your magic elixir of choice—you'd be perusing Modern Booze, Methopolitan or some such shit. So I will just assume that the herb will always start off your party. If I'm wrong, I don't want to go to your party anyway. So let's start off your high nice and slow with an endearingly small joint or a bowl pack. Try to stay away from bong rips and shotguns (unless your nickname is "Your Royal Highness" or "King/Queen Smokesalot," in which case you can ingest as much grass as you want). For all others, we want an underlying layer of stoned-goodness as the first tier of this regimen. This smoky base will support all other levels and provides an ample thirstiness that will allow our test subjects—i.e., you—to prepare for stage two: beer drinking.
There are two types of beer you can drink: good beer and bad beer. Good beer can range anywhere from Guinness to a local microbrew. Bad beer comes in a can, costs less than $4 a six-pack and ends with the word "light." I suggest drinking good beer to avoid nasty hangovers and the taste of pee in your mouth—but then again, you're stoned and beginning to suffer from cottonmouth, so just grab one of whatever's readily available and finish it. Quick or slow, whichever, but no additional smoking can accompany this frothy entry to your system. Trust me, I am a professional.