GZA fully understands the Wu’s international reach and even gives a scenario in which he smokes about a quarter of marijuana in Amsterdam which somehow has the ability to pack exactly a thousand white teenagers in tight jeans. GZA doesn’t necessarily specify the gender of these teens, so we can assume that GZA just takes notice of a ridiculous amount of Caucasians in tight jeans whenever he smokes ‘seven grams of green.’ Maybe this is some fashion throwback that I’m not sophisticated enough to understand, but if weed has the power to literally place tight jeans on white teens, then Harvard scientists should focus more of their research in marijuana botany, specifically whatever the hell GZA was smoking when he wrote that verse.

I had to actually look up who this ‘Raphael Saadiq’ character is and discovered that he was a member of that 90s boy band ‘Tony Toni Tone.’ However on ‘It’s Yourz,’ U-God suggests that Raphael has a ‘super freak physique’ so I Googled the phrase ‘Raphael Saadiq topless,’ which brought me to this photo of an old dude rocking a Matrix-themed thong on the beach. I was more surprised that Matrix-themed bikini attire actually existed, but somewhat disappointed that I couldn’t find a photo of Raphael Saadiq shirtless to verify U-God’s initial claim.

It looks like I’m just going to have to take his word for it.
U-God then refers to Raphael Saadiq as ‘baby’ which is a little strange until you realize that he’s comparing a chick’s body to Raphael Saadiq – then it’s really friggin’ strange. Well, at least we know this female with the body of 47-year-old man smokes weed seven days a week – so it’s cool.

From this Method Man lyric we discover that at one point in his life, Method Man in fact had a perm that went really bad and the chemicals soaked in his head to render his brain functionless. We know this because later in life Method Man had a particularly strong strain of weed, and he went through post-traumatic stress syndrome when he was forced to relive the time when his brain got fried from a bad perm.

That sounds like a horrible experience -- if I were Method Man I wouldn’t even feel emotionally comfortable about rapping about it. It’s the textbook definition of a bad trip. However Method Man is a compassionate dude and he’s willing to share his darkest life experiences to enrich ours. What a great human being.

Trying to understand most of U-God’s lyrics is the equivalent of equipping a medieval flail and swinging it around Home Depot in the hopes of building a pool deck.

So I’m assuming U-God is an avid fan of Ernest Hemingway, which could explain why he suggested his novel writing style is considered a ‘model’ for all authors. As far as the ‘tap dance swelling,’ Ernest Hemingway was the unfortunate victim of two consecutive plane accidents which left the Nobel Prize Award winning author with burns over his body and a severe concussion (actually two concussions, the second happened as the plane that was taking him to get medical care literally exploded on the runway the next day). Therefore if Ernest Hemingway decided to tap dance, his body would undoubtedly be swelling with severe pain.

U-God then goes on to suggest that Ernest Hemingway should take a ‘breather’ and instead of drinking alcohol, he should try some ‘dirty reefer.’ Granted, if Hemingway chose weed over mojitos, he probably would have never blown his brains out in 1961. Good call, U-God.

Inspectah Deck, probably the most underrated member of Wu-Tang Clan, and perhaps the only member with a self-proclaimed superhuman power.

Within seconds of the first verse of ‘For Heaven’s Sake,’ Inspectah Deck comes clean with his listening audience and admits that he’s smoked so much weed that his eyes has transformed into a void of Purple Haze that has the ability to create ‘solar razors’ that are so powerful they burn through all shades and other eyewear accessories.

I don’t even known what a solar razor is, but it’s clear that Inspectah should enroll himself in Professor Charles Xavier’s Institute for Higher Learning. If his power got in the wrong hands, humanity would be screwed – which means Inspectah Deck would team up with Magneto in the next X-Men sequel.

You could live for 1,000 years and not be cool enough to refer to marijuana as a condiment and something that people occasionally place in their baked potato. However Raekwon isn’t like you or I – he’s The Chef, which gives him full reign to call marijuana any edible substance that has a hint of a green tint.

This is a rather inspirational verse from ‘The Projects’ by Raekwon. He essentially encourages you to spark up weed, but also put the remainder of your ganja in your back pocket before you get stoned and forget your stash on your friend’s coffee table. Rae then says whatever happens while you’re stoned, it’s important to observe the emotions you’re feeling by ‘keeping your eyes open,’ however you shouldn’t mentally resist the marijuana. That’s a recipe for disaster. Instead, just relax and let the THC do its job.

This RZA, the entire weight of the Clan is on him at all times, so one would expect him to resort to marijuana to alleviate the stress. He calls his studio his lab, because it sounds much cooler than just saying ‘studio.’ However if you’re a hip-hop aficionado then you should already know this.

In this verse from ‘A Better Tomorrow,’ RZA systematically breaks down the symbology of the American flag by associating certain colors with predominant socio-economic systems in an urban environment. Keep in mind, all of this comes from just two drags off a blunt. I thought I was getting the best sativa in Southern California, but it’s clear that my bud dwarfs in comparison to the stuff RZA gets.

It’s also ironic that RZA’s already going mad, so he decides to smoke a strain of marijuana that enables him to abstractly deconstruct the national flag of the United States off of just two hits. That’s extraordinary.

Chill out RZA, switch to a light indica and watch reruns of True Blood since it requires absolutely no brain activity.

There are either two things happening in this verse from Wu’s ‘Triumph.’ The first of which could be that Raekwon really needed a word that rhymed with ‘tarantula’ and since he left his rhyme book at home that day in the studio, he manifested a new word into the English lexicon called ‘substantiala’ – a word that future cultural archeologists will spend entire careers on deciphering.

Now the second possible scenario, something I truly believe happened, is that shortly before Terence McKenna’s death, Raekwon flew to his botanical garden in Hawaii and had a pretty engaging conversation in ethnobiology. McKenna convinced Raekwon to take a dose of DMT, but both guys were pretty stoned so McKenna accidentally gave Rae double the dose necessarily for a perception-altering trip. Within seconds after smoking the DMT, Raekwon zoned out on McKenna’s floor and was transported to what McKenna described as a realm filled with ‘self-transforming machine elves.’ However since Rae was zonked out on twice the required dose, he broke a dimensional barrier and met a celestial entity named ‘Substantiala’ that he proclaimed to be the universal weed god. It was such a pivotal moment in his life that Raekwon wanted to give the being homage in one of the most popular songs in the Forever album.

So the next time you get stoned on your coach, remember that it’s all made possible by the weed god Substantiala.

In probably one of my all-time favorite Wu-Tang Clan songs, Ghostface Killah and Raekwon retell the tale of being at the MGM Grand Casino in Las Vegas while watching Medrick Taylor take on Julio Cesar Chavez in the infamous ‘Thunder Meets Lighting’ WBC & IBF World Junior Welterweight Unification bout.

The MGM is a complex piece of work, so in order to decipher this verse I had to resort to the intelligent maniacs over at RapGenius, and theBunge seems to have nailed down this pink noodle conspiracy.

“Ghost is referring to some high grade marijuana here, known as Purple – or sometimes, Pink Kush. The highly potent strands on buds sometimes resemble noodles. Gorgeous buds like this can often be found on the cover of a High Times magazine.”

Oh look at that, we get a shout out. Fantastic. So we should know what this pink noodle stuff is – hey, of course we do. It’s a strain of bud so dense that it appears to look like…pink noodles. Yeah, that’s it.

It’s also important to note that Ghostface Killah was unhappy with just smoking one pink noodle joint and instructed Raekwon to not only ‘pull out his doodle’ (which we really hope is some type of marijuana paraphernalia, or this song gets really bizarre) and roll two pink noodle joints.

Whatever this pink noodle stuff is, it must be pretty powerful because in the song Ghostface Killah and Raekown actually confuse the Chavez vs. Taylor fight for Chavez vs. Sweet Pea Whitaker which was held three years after.

Maybe you should have stuck with one pink noodle, Ghostface.

So remember that time when I told you U-God’s lyrics are impossibly hard to comprehend by normal applications of the English language? Well I present to you this verse from ‘Deadly Melody,’ and if this was the only relic that an alien civilization found of the human race, they would undoubtedly think that we’re all just trolling the rest of the galaxy.

All of this came out of U-God’s mouth during a recording session, and everyone in Wu-Tang Clan was entirely too stoned to even question the nature of the words he used. For all we know U-God could be telling us the coordinates to the nearest habitable planet.

So disseminating these lyrics, I’ve concluded that U-God is referring to taking a ridiculously massive bong hit – while possibly being under influence of LSD.

In order to clear a really gargantuan bong hit, you must have a ‘boulder face’ which is synonymous to a poker face for pot heads. You don’t want your friends seeing how much of a n00b you are in your inability to clear the chamber of a bong, so you have to be conservative of your emotions – the last thing you want your friends to see is the fear in your eyes as you look down on a hurricane of ganja smoke in a bong and you’re the only person in the room that’s inherited the responsibility of clearing it.

Next we have ‘blow hulk’ which is another way of saying you have to be exposed to high doses of gamma-radiation and turn into The Incredible Hulk in order to inhale all of the weed smoke in this hypothetical bong.  The only way this verbal equation can work is if ‘Anger Rap Book’ is a strain of marijuana found somewhere in Staten Island, home of the Wu-Tang Clan. If that’s incorrect, then this entire theory collapses and someone should probably locate U-God and tell him to voluntarily place himself under the care of mental health professionals.

Once you’ve inhaled this cumulus cloud of marijuana, you will instantly feel ‘chess blade smoke’ which is like ‘chest blade smoke’ but a little bit more incoherent and confusing.

Now here’s where the LSD kicks in.

While attempting to hold the weed, you begin to hallucinate -- the first hallucination being a monster truck running over a punk while an elephant holding a gun pokes a humanoid creature that was specifically designed for breaking jaws.  Now while all of that’s going down, your lungs are filled with marijuana, which of course makes your throat turn into a vice grip and the inevitable happens – you choke.

$20 goes to anyone that paints that scenario with water colors and sends it to me on a canvas.