We may not know which teams will battle it out during Super Bowl XLVIII, but we are keenly aware that whoever plays, thousands of parties will be spawned nationwide.
Getting drunk, stoned or a little of both while cheering on your favorite NFL team has been a vital part of the American culture for 50 years. The question is, which level of degeneracy would you prefer to party with during the big game -- drunkards or stoners?
Perhaps this will help you to decide.
Stoners will eat all your food. Drunkards will puke on your rug
During your Super Bowl party, you will likely notice that all your pothead friends will inhale all the chicken wings, fully-loaded nachos and those fiendish bacon-wrapped wieners. Hell, there is a really good chance that if you are reading this article, you too are a stoner and fully aware that regardless of how much food you intend to serve to your guests -- the stoners will be the ones to circle and devour it like a pack of coyotes feasting on a fresh carcass.
Things get a bit trickier in regards to your drinking buddies. That’s because at least one bombed partygoer is destined to come into your home on game day, mix a wild concoction of cheap beer, tequila and a gluttonous amount of chip dip, and blow chunks all over your rug. Guaranteed.
Drunkards will scream like rabid banshees and grope each other after every touchdown. Stoners will smile and fire-up another bowl
We are not entirely sure about the science behind this phenomenon, but people that consume large amounts of booze often turn into loud-mouth dicks. This goes double for those wild-eyed lushes sweating testosterone during the big game. That is why you can expect grown men to get slobbering drunk and scream violently at your television…especially at the moment their team makes or, God forbid, misses a touchdown.
The stoner, on the other hand, will simply light up a celebratory bowl and do his best to stay out of the path of drunken degenerates playing grab-ass around the room.
Drunkards will spill beer on the couch. Stoners will set your sofa on fire
When it comes to the party foul, there is no greater sporting event that caters to brute idiocy and dumb moves quite like the Super Bowl. And while we hate to admit it, there are times when the clumsy messes made by stoners are more severe than those created by the drunken lunatic.
Sure, your boozehound guests are bound to spill beer on everything, but an overzealous stoner with a homemade super bowl of his own has the capacity to transform your brand new sofa into a neighborhood bon fire.
Stoners will make it to work on Monday. Drunkards will take a sick day
The most significant difference between those celebrating the Super Bowl with weed and those doing it with booze is that the stoner will have no trouble making it to work come Monday morning. Drunkards, however, will more than likely be suffering from a hangover so vicious that he will not have any choice but to beg the mercy of their boss in hopes of getting a sick day.
Mike Adams writes for stoners and smut enthusiasts in HIGH TIMES, Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket and Hustler Magazine. You can follow him on Twitter @adamssoup and on Facebook/mikeadams73.