Throughout the course of the Stoned Boner saga, our correspondent of High Humping Mike Adams has attempted to deliver HIGH TIMES readers an accurate report on the state of the sexual stoner and their carnal parlor tricks. Thanks to his research, the populous has fewer excuses for hurtling aimlessly through life in the missionary position.

Without further ado, we present to you the third, and perhaps final, installment of the Stoned Boner.

Cannabis Crab
For sexual stoners that want to have a three-way with a smoking bowl, we suggest taking a ride on the cannabis crab. We’re not suggesting that you actually diddle your love muffin with a blazing hot hand pipe in hand… that would be wrong. Instead, the man is going to lie back and let his ganja girl mount him as though she is preparing to rip an Earth shattering fart or give birth. This is an excellent position for the man to be in because not only do his responsibilities begin and end with firing up a loaded bowl, but he also gets to see the IMAX version of his girl’s ladybits… and if he is lucky, she will not actually pass gas or push out a small human.

The Bong Job
When I was a kid, my uncle used to tell me that the perfect woman was three feet tall, toothless and had a flat head to use as a beer coaster. However, when I got older, I quickly learned that I was not attracted to circus midgets with poor dental hygiene. Still, I never lost the sense of intrigue of having a place to rest a beer or bong while my lady snacked.

Unfortunately, some girls find the idea of a man sitting his bong on top of their head   a sign of disrespect… so don’t be a dick about it. Tell your girl if she is cool enough to give you “the bong job” that will give her the same respect and go down on her while she chiefs the reefer… and you shall call it the hair pie hookah.

Pothead Polka
Smoking a joint during sex can offer some awkward challenges, like ashing in your partners face, dropping fire in the crack of your lover’s behind, or even worse, getting all worked up and swallowing the joint (don’t laugh, this has happened). However, the pothead polka offers a solution to these unfortunate situations by eliminating horizontal play… keeping the boning stoners’ psychedelic noggins positioned at 12 and seven. With this method, it is easy to pass a joint to your love muffin without running the risk of leaving a scar that she will one day have to explain to her future husband.

Ganja Garden
Bong rips and bumping uglies do not traditionally go hand in hand, but in the land of the Ganja Garden, bongs and boners go together like peas and carrots (impossible to read without hearing Forrest Gump). We urge you to be extremely careful with this position: no girl likes bong water spilled in the crack of her behind, not even stoner chicks.

Stoned Suppository
Any marijuana mamma who has ever let the Bud Studly in their life slip them the Stoned Suppository will tell you: weed is an excellent painkiller. Because let’s face it, lascivious carnage has been known to hurt like the dickens, much less without the added trauma of being ridden around the bedroom like a pogo stick. Perhaps someday, after America finally comes to its senses and fully legalizes marijuana, some mad scientist will invent a line of sexual lubricants manufactured from high-THC cannabis oils, allowing stoners to enjoy the lust of the leaf by simply screwing each other’s brains out.

This, my friends, is the dream of the Stoned Boner.

Mike Adams writes for stoners and smut enthusiasts in HIGH TIMES, Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket and Hustler Magazine. You can follow him on Twitter @adamssoup and on Facebook/mikeadams73.