“Denver coroner: Man fell to death after eating marijuana cookies,” read the headline from John Ingold of the Denver Post, and before I could even read the story, my Twitter feed was lighting up.

I follow most of the prohibitionists’ Twitter accounts and I was disgusted at their ghoulish satisfaction that a 19-year-old man fell to his death from a hotel balcony after eating marijuana cookie. So desperate are they for bad news about Colorado legalization that they pounced on this story like a paparazzi on a Kardashian. Here are some of the lowlights:

@KevinSabet (Head of anti-legalization group Project SAM): Student fell to death after eating pot cookie - But I thought no one ever died from marijuana? ti.me/1fMQntK via @TIME

@ChristineTatum (Wife of Denver Rehab Entrepreneur Christian Thurstone): @KevinSabet, add "Profound Denial and Delusion" to the long list of maladies afflicting many weed-legalization supporters. @TIME

@KevinSabet: Coroner says student who fell to death after eating marijuana cookie didnt have alcohol/other drugs in system http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/lifestyle/classified-odd/04/03/14/student-falls-death-after-eating-marijuana-cookie …

@ScottMGagnon (Head of Project SAM in Maine): @RadicalRuss @ChristineTatum It does kinda put a big dent in that whole "safer" argument. MJ impairment is serious with serious outcomes.

@LNseven5 (Head of Hillsborough County, Florida, Anti Drug Alliance): Pot does have harmful effects! Man dies after fall in Denver; coroner says related to marijuana intoxication. http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_25475533/denver-coroner-man-fell-death-after-eating-marijuana …

Well, then, clearly marijuana needs to remain prohibited and adults who use it need to be sent to jail, right? After all, a 19-year-old -- someone underage for marijuana use in Colorado -- got a hold of a marijuana cookie, got high as hell, lost his balance, and fell off a hotel balcony. Never mind the fact that CASA Columbia has surveyed teens for thirty years and found 80% to 90% of them have “easy / fairly easy” access to marijuana even under prohibition. Obviously marijuana kills because it can make you dizzy and lead you to fall off of tall buildings, so it must be banned!

Except, if that’s the case, what are we going to do about these other stories in the news…

Arizona State University student falls to death from balcony after partying (NY Daily News)

“Naomi McClendon, 18, fell from a 10th-floor balcony at an off-campus ASU student high rise early Sunday. She appeared to be drunk at the time and was filmed struggling to walk through the building's lobby, authorities said.”

Damn, it looks like an underage person got a hold of a drug that affected her balance and led to a fall from a tall building that killed her! I guess it is time we repealed the 21st Amendment and returned to alcohol prohibition.

First Date Ends in a Deadly Fall From a 17th-Story Balcony (NY Times)

“That is where Jennifer Rosoff was shortly before 1 a.m. on Thursday, having retired to her 17th-floor balcony in Midtown with a man she had just met for a first date. As they talked, she casually hoisted herself atop the wide metal railing, cigarette in hand.  Then Ms. Rosoff was gone.  She fell 140 feet to the construction scaffolding at the base of the building, at 400 East 57th Street, and died from the impact.”

Egads! Now cigarette smoking is causing people to fall off their balconies! I guess we have to make nicotine a Schedule I drug and imprison any adult who buys a pack of cigarettes.

Tata Motors boss Karl Slym 'rowed with wife before apparent suicide' (London Telegraph)

“The wife of a British businessman who fell from a luxury Bangkok hotel in an apparent suicide has told police that they had rowed at length about a “family problem” before his death.  Karl Slym, 51, the managing director of Tata Motors, India’s biggest carmaker, seemingly climbed through a small window and jumped from his room on the 22nd floor of the five-star Shangri-La hotel while his wife Sally was asleep, Thai detectives believe.”

Uh oh. Now the deadly balcony fall epidemic has spread from drugs to marital fights. We’d better consider banning marriage, or at least arguing during marriage.

Scott Lewis Dead: Hypnotist Plunges To Death From Balcony (Huffington Post)

“U.S. stage hypnotist Scott Lewis has plunged to his death from the balcony of a Sydney apartment, Australian police said on Sunday.”

Really? Now hypnotism is leading people over the edge to plunge to their deaths from tall buildings? What else are we going to have to ban?

Woman falls from balcony on the Central Coast (Australian Broadcasting Company)

Baby boy dies after tragic balcony fall on NSW Central Coast (7 News Australia)

Man killed after Waterloo balcony fall (Sydney Morning Herald)

“One man is dead and three other people have been seriously injured after falling from balconies and roofs in separate accidents in NSW in just one day, police say.”

That does it, time to ban Australia!