When it comes to getting high in a social setting or as some call it, joining the stoner circle, it doesn’t take long before you start to notice that people are essentially sloppy wild animals that are probably better suited for bamboo stick discipline and a steel cage rather than being permitted to smoke weed with members of civil society.

However, it doesn’t appear as if these foul mongrels are going anywhere, as they are apparently destined to forever piss all over the basics of stoner etiquette and go to their graves as poster children for pothead pet peeves.

Here are seven they that will never be forgotten:

The Slobber Smoker: Have you ever noticed that inside every stoner circle there exists that one person, plagued from birth, with an overactive salivary gland that has the power to single handedly turn the tightest joint into some disgusting resemblance of a wet noodle? Or even worse, the stoner chick that joins every smoke orgy with 14 layers of red lip goop plastered all over her mouth, leaving behind lipstick stains every time she hits the goddamned joint.

It’s gross…so, cut the shit!

The Disabled Smoker: This is the smoker that, for whatever reason, cannot seem to muster even the slightest amount of mechanical ability or common sense, for that matter, to light a simple joint, much less figure out how to properly light a bowl or carborate a bong. This invalid group typically consists of your first time smokers, part-time tokers, and some dude’s girlfriend that does not say much of anything throughout the chiefing soiree other than, “I keep burning my thumb,” and “Can someone help me light this.”

Maybe it is time we assemble the first ever HIGH TIMES Tutors for Tokers.

The Sick Smoker: This is the sadistic bastard that joins your smoke circle without first disclosing the fact that he has been sick for the past several weeks with some rare strain of jungle clap, herpes and the common cold. Then after that infectious puke has killed everyone’s buzz with an overwhelming desire to make a mad dash for a doctor, he proceeds to tell everyone in the room just how bad his throat still hurts.

Please don’t make it necessary for Trojan to design a series of mouth condoms dedicated to protecting all of us from STDs – Stoner Transmitted Diseases.

The Paranoid Smoker: Anyone that has ever smoked in a group is privy to the stoner that cannot take a single hit off a joint without first looking out the window to make sure the cops are not sitting in the driveway waiting for the S.W.A.T team to show up. No matter how much you try to convince these freaks otherwise, they simply refuse to believe that the police really do have better things to do than worry about four stoners sitting around a shitty apartment sharing a joint.

The Bogart Smoker: There is always that one loud mouth son of a bitch in the stoner circle that in addition to feeling it absolutely necessary to entertain the room with his mindless rants, he conveniently forgets to pass the joint while he does it. No one likes a greedy and inconsiderate smoker, especially one that has to constantly be told to pass the joint.

In the immortal words of Smokie, “Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You fuckin' up the rotation.”

The Broke Smoker: Broke smokers have a sixth sense for where weed is being blazed at all times, and they have a mysterious way of always finding a spot in smoke circles without ever being required to chip in a few bucks on the pot. Most stoners are a generous class of citizen, with no problem sharing their weed with good people from time to time. However, an onslaught of deadbeat stoners looking for high handouts is enough to drive even the most passive pothead to start kicking some serious ass.

The Freak Out Smoker: Nothing gets under the skin of a long time stoner than having someone in the circle go on a full-blown freak out rampage because they accidentally got a little bit too high. These fiends pace around the room, gripping their chest, spouting off nonsense like, “I can’t breathe,” and “I think I’m dying.” Then the panic sets in… and before you know it, these lunatics are outside, rolling around in the yard, making a goddamn cop curious scene in front of the entire neighborhood.

If you cannot smoke weed without asking someone to call 911, stay way from those that can – professionals only!

Mike Adams writes for Playboy's The Smoking Jacket, BroBible and Hustler Magazine. Follow him: @adamssoup; facebook.com/mikeadams73.