FATHER OF THE YEAR

What happens when you find out that your 14-year-old son is shooting heroin? If you're Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones, you tell him: "Don't let drugs rule your life, or become everything in your whole life."
Jamie Wood told London's News of the World that people used to give him drugs just because he was Ron Wood's son. Father Ron, recognizing the peril his son faced, advised him to be sure "to have something else to balance it out with."

Something like booze perhaps? Heavy-drinking Dad was in alcohol rehab just prior to the Rolling Stones' rumored 40th anniversary tour. Our advice is don't do what Ron Wood, do what we would. Start rolling and get stoned instead.

THANKS AOL!

In mid-April, America Online mailed out zillions of those little start-up discs that offer 1,000 hours of free AOL service. We've all seen these come-ons before--high-tech junk mail that goes straight into the trash. However, this time we actually opened the package.

Yeah, we still threw the disc in the trash. But what it came in was worth keeping. Every AOL disc came packaged in a flat metal container. Marijuana fans instantly recognized it for what it was -- a stash box! The word is that stoners across America are now downloading their buds using this handy-dandy item.

UNIVERSITY OF PSYCHOGENIC FUGUE

Before selling your soul to the government for student financial aid, pick up the new University of Psychogenic Fugue: A Course Catalog for Students of Life by Tye R. Farrell and Jeffrey Morrow. Named for a disease in which people "thought they were something other than they really were," the UPF offers a vast array of dubious courses, campus activities, councils and student organizations, all extremely cheap in cost. Plus you can get a scholarship! The university even offers to reimburse dissatisfied students, who are invited to return all knowledge obtained from it for a full refund, including expenses for beer, illegal drugs and clothing.

Broaden your social circle by joining a UPF student club, like the Pot Heads, who "firmly believe that good ganja can open our minds and set us free." The club also holds annual HIGH TIMES subscription drives to pay for Amsterdam field trips.

Take the courses you won't find at anywhere else -- like BS 111, Basic Drug Dealing, and BS 112, Advanced Drug Dealing. How about "BS 411: Choosing a Happiness Modifier," which touches upon drugs like chocolate, acid, Mary Jane, and peyote, with "discussions focusing on effects, government regulation, tolerance and withdrawal."

There's even "LS 420: Pot Tasting," where students learn to "select, discuss, store and appreciate fine marijuana, both hydroponic and organically grown."

You'll be glad to know there was a drug-free campus policy. But recognizing that most students "either partake in recreational drug use or otherwise enhance their personalities using prescription drugs (or both)," the university canceled it.

For a copy, go to meteoritepress.com