It’s that time of the year when high school seniors begin turning their attention to college. You’ve got four years of academic purgatory ahead and tuition bills that won’t be paid off til your funeral. So you’ve got a big decision to make. As a stoner, what’s the best path to choose? We’ve got you covered! Here’s our easy-to-follow guide to choosing your college major.
DIFFICULTY: If you grew up with Tinker Toys you’re probably OK.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: As long as you’re not building a suspension bridge.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Only if your kid’s tree-house qualifies as a job.
OVERALL STONER RATING: You design cool buildings that no one will ever see. Perfect for pot!
DIFFICULTY: Cutting up dead animals will fuck you up for life if you’re high.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Probably not. Lots of memory required for all kinds of plant trivia.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: As what? A frog mutilator? Use your degree for your grow op.
OVERALL STONER RATING: It’s college through a microscope. Get out and play some Frisbee!
MAJOR: Business Administration
DIFFICULTY: None. If you like money, you can follow the curriculum.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Not applicable. You’ll probably be hung over with future Wall Street drunks.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Sure. If you can buy a suit, you can steal other people’s money.
OVERALL STONER RATING: A haven for dopey-ass frat boys. You don’t need that!
DIFFICULTY: Try shitting broken glass. Same experience.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: You have a better chance of being hit by a meteor.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Only if you have family members working at NASA.
OVERALL STONER RATING: Why waste tuition money on becoming a dweeb? Spend it on primo weed instead!
DIFFICULTY: If you have an interest in designer drugs, you’ve found paradise.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Yes. And you can make a lot of money!
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Who needs a job when you’re supplying the entire campus?
OVERALL STONER RATING: We’d like to invest in your education!
MAJOR: Fine Arts
DIFFICULTY: None – unless washing paint and plaster off your hands is a challenge.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Staying high is required, otherwise your art will seem as bad as it really is.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Go for it. The National Endowment for the Arts is known to fund no-talent artists.
OVERALL STONER RATING: If you think finger-painting is worth 30 grand in yearly tuition, you must be incredibly high!
DIFFICULTY: Some – like cramming 500 years history the night before finals.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: The better question is “Can I sleep through this and still pass?”
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Lots of jobs available as bartenders and cab drivers.
OVERALL STONER RATING: Those who ignore the lessons of history majors are doomed to repeat them!
DIFFICULTY: What could be difficult? Watch what happens and tell the truth!
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: The problem is, if you toke up, truth is often subjective. You’ll flunk.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: No one can stop you from writing. Getting paid for it is another matter.
OVERALL STONER RATING: Journalism seems to be a breeding ground for alcoholism. That’s because truth is depressing.
DIFFICULTY: You have to read a lot. Some attention is required.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Writing about what other people wrote is ideal for bullshit artists.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: We recommend some courses in auto mechanics as a back-up.
OVERALL STONER RATING: Byron, Shelley, Keats – this ain’t Phish!
MAJOR: Marijuana Studies
DIFFICULTY: Highest intellect required.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Your grade is based on the pot you breed.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Big bucks await – but be careful out there!
OVERALL STONER RATING: The most noble of academic pursuits.
DIFFICULTY: Locating the key to the prescription medicine cabinet will be your primary obstacle.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Probably, but we prefer that you stay away from patients.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: If you’re a qualified professional. (Please be a qualified professional!)
OVERALL STONER RATING: We’re in the age of medical marijuana which gives “TLC” a whole, new meaning!
DIFFICULTY: All you have to do is think, which can be problematic – especially on dabs.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Let’s put it this way. If you don’t smoke, you’re sunk!
WILL I FIND A JOB?: What the world needs is more brilliant, homeless people.
OVERALL STONER RATING: I smoke therefore I am!
MAJOR: Physics/Quantum Theory
DIFFICULTY: You probably know how to build a bong out of your underwear.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS? Don't! If paranoia sets in on an IQ like yours, we're talking cataclysm!
WILL I FIND A JOB? Job? You need bodyguards! Foreign agents are trying to kidnap you!
OVERALL STONER RATING: We're not sure what quantum theory even is. But it sounds hard.
MAJOR: Political Science
DIFFICULTY: Nothing scientific here. Just self-important geeks arguing about world domination.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Get real. Clinton, Bush and Obama did.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: The ultimate sleaze degree – perfect for politics or law.
OVERALL STONER RATING: You’d goddamn well better do something about pot laws!
DIFFICULTY: If you can argue when you don’t know shit, you’ll be fine.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Possibly. But smoking pot will definitely improve your outlook amid all that talk about depression and neuroses.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: The USA is a mecca for counseling. Start ripping people off now!
OVERALL STONER RATING: Smoking pot and the study of psychology are the same thing.
DIFFICULTY: Couldn’t get into basket-weaving, huh?
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Yes, but you probably won’t be able to take your bong to finals.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Find a rich spouse instead.
OVERALL STONER RATING: Write your thesis on “The Impact of Kind bud on my dorm.
MAJOR: Speech/Communication Studies
DIFFICULTY: Wow! You couldn’t get in to ceramics either!
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Of course. In fact, toking up should be the most difficult homework facing you.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: As the saying goes: “Talk is cheap.” Figure it out for yourself.
OVERALL STONER RATING: Why don’t you major in breathing instead?
DIFFICULTY: Zero. Two girls for every straight guy. Gay men find each other.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Sure. But can you survive the parties?
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Job?
OVERALL STONER RATING: You’ll have fun, fun, fun til your daddy takes your tuition away!
MAJOR: Law School
DIFFICULTY: First year is hell, then you learn how to cheat.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS? Absolutely. Sue your law school for negligence if you don’t.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Buy a good pair of sneakers to chase those ambulances.
OVERALL STONER RATING: If you smoke pot, you’re breaking the law in most places. Defend your stoner brethren!
MAJOR: Medical School
DIFFICULTY: Being dragged through the desert by your tongue is a better experience.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Stay away from us!
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Blood, disease, death, malpractice. Are you sure about this?
OVERALL STONER RATING: You have to study -- a lot! Bummer.
MAJOR: Grad School
DIFFICULTY: Hanging on to your grant is your primary focus.
CAN I STAY HIGH AND PASS?: Not applicable. If you’re in grad school, you’re a stoner.
WILL I FIND A JOB?: Who wants a job? The whole point is to stay in school!
OVERALL STONER RATING: Who knew school could be so cool?