Make sure you don’t get hooked on the wrong thing! Herewith, our guide to substance abuse and social diseases.

Vice: Alcohol
Upside: Everybody seems interested in everything you say.
Downside: But you’re an asshole.
Overall Rating: My name is Dave and I’m an alcoholic.

Vice: Chocolate:
Upside: Melt-in-your mouth paradise.
Downside: Constipation
Overall Rating: Like sex, not all that bad as an addiction.

Vice: Cocaine
Upside: You’re the Rembrandt of bullshit artists.
Downside: Your heart explodes.
Overall Rating: You have no life and a hole in your nose.

Vice: Coffee
Upside: Your awake and alert…
Downside: But no smarter.
Overall Rating: The Breakfast of Champions!

Vice: Downers
Upside: You’re stress-free.
Downside: Coma.
Overall Rating: Say hi to Judy, Marilyn and Heath!

Vice: Fame
Upside: Lots of sex
Downside: Stalkers
Overall Rating: Cash in while you’re hot, because one day you won’t be.

Vice: Food
Upside: Flavors galore!
Downside: You’re a moose.
Overall Rating: You gotta eat, but try cutting down by about 4,000 calories a day.

Vice: Gambling
Upside: You win.
Downside: You lose.
Overall Rating: You lose.

Vice: Heroin
Upside: Since you’re on the street, you don’t have to pay rent.
Downside: Ah, let us count the ways…
Overall Rating: The “Gateway Drug” to methadone.

Vice: Internet
Upside: You meet great, new friends.
Downside: All of them are either trolls or pervs.
Overall Rating: The NSA is watching!

Vice: LSD
Upside: You and God shake hands.
Downside: You’re actually shaking your own hand.
Overall Rating: Too much LSD leaves you DUM.

Vice: Marijuana
Upside: We can name a zillion benefits – and pizza tastes terrific!
Downside: Unfortunately, that pizza was from last year’s Christmas party.
Overall Rating: You can’t get addicted. But stoners know that if you smoke too much pot, you eventually become straight!

Vice: Running
Upside: You get fit.
Downside: It takers over your life. Eventually, you get hit by a car.
Overall Rating: Sweat, blisters, shin splints, B.O ... We’ll pass.

Vice: Sex
Upside: We have to explain?
Downside: Ouch! Or unexplained itches. Or worse.
Overall Rating: If the quest for ecstasy is an addiction, count us in!

Vice: Shopping
Upside: You get everything you ever wanted.
Downside: MasterCard hires a hit man to settle your bill.
Overall Rating: The thing about material crap is – you can’t take it with you!

Vice: Sleep
Upside: You get lots of rest.
Downside: Bedsores
Overall Rating: We doubt you’re even reading this.

Vice: Speed
Upside: You go very fast.
Downside: You crash.
Overall Rating: You burn.

Vice: Steroids
Upside: You acquire the strength of Godzilla.
Downside: Roid Rage puts you in the electric chair.
Overall Rating: Your liver grows to the size of a basketball. Say good-bye at age 40.

Vice: Sugar
Upside: You get happy – for a while.
Downside: You’re paying for your dentist’s second home.
Overall Rating: Food without sugar is good. Try it some time.

Vice: TV
Upside: You’re part of the interconnected, global community.
Downside: You know the plot of every episode of Friends.
Overall Rating: Nielsen.