by David Bienenstock
You might assume that blueberry muffins are not a particularly interesting topic—even if the aforementioned muffins are made with enough ganja butter to stone a small army. You may particularly be excused for feeling this way if you’re under deadline to write 500 words on the topic of blueberry muffins. I mean, how much can you possibly say? And who wants to listen? (The answers: 66 words and you, so far).
Well, supposedly the first rule of good writing is to write about what you know, so I felt compelled to whip up a batch of these muffins for myself, including an all-natural not-so-secret ingredient—which came to me, by the way, directly from a beautiful field in the beautiful state of Vermont. That’s also where the wild blueberries came from, along with the recipe to make these magnificent muffins.
Anyway, I ate one of these moist and delicious treats about an hour ago, and since then I’ve been sitting here trying to think up a compelling little story line to go along with this delicious but rather commonplace culinary creation. I figure that readers are basically going to fall into two camps—camp No. 1: those who’ve already had a blueberry muffin at some point in their lives, and camp No. 2: those who don’t like blueberries. Also, possibly a few people who tried blueberries for the first time in a muffin format and discovered then and there that they don’t like blueberries, thus straddling both camps. These people, however, are the rare exception and are extremely unlikely to try this recipe in the first place, so we needn’t worry about them.
Now, as far as you go: Simply follow this recipe and I guarantee you will soon be eating the best blueberry muffins of your life. Currently, my fingers and forehead are tingling, my music sounds unbelievable, and all’s well in the world. I just reread what I wrote so far and it seems funny to me, so I’d say we’re about done here. If it doesn’t seem funny to you, take one muffin orally and then repeat reading. Add muffins as required until laughter ensues, taking care to consume no more than two muffins in a four-hour period.
HIGH-YIELD WILD BLUEBERRY MUFFINS
A tasty treat for healthy heads, this low-fat recipe allows for one gram of cannabis per muffin. Reduce portions as necessary to accommodate fewer muffins or less stash.
1/3 cup canola oil
36 grams cannabis shake
11 oz (3 cups) bran cereal
2-1/2 cups low-fat buttermilk
12 oz (1-1/2 cups) nonfat plain yogurt
12 oz (3 cups) all-purpose flour
2-1/2 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
3 oz (3/4 cup) wheat germ
6 oz (3/4 cup) egg substitute
3/4 cup unsulfured molasses
3/4 cup maple syrup
4 oz (1/2 cup) brown sugar
3/4 cup canola oil (only 1/3 cup is used for muffins)
18 oz (3 cups) wild blueberries (frozen, fresh or dried)
First, heat oil and shake and simmer for 30–45 minutes. Meanwhile, combine bran, buttermilk and yogurt in a large bowl; let stand 15 minutes. Set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt together in separate bowl. Stir in wheat germ; set aside. Carefully pour hot oil through metal strainer into glass measuring cup. Only 1/3 cup cannabis oil is necessary for muffins—save extra oil for future use. In a third bowl, blend egg substitute, molasses, syrup, sugar and cannabis oil; stir into bran/milk mixture, blend vigorously and combine with flour/wheat germ mixture. Finally, fold in blueberries. Scoop 1/4 cup batter into each greased 1/3 cup muffin tin (36 total) and bake in 400Â°F conventional oven or 375Â°F convection oven for 20-25 minutes or until firm to the touch. Stones 36.