In June of 1938, Action Comics #1 introduced a space alien named Kal-El, otherwise known as Superman. Thousands of comic books, hundreds of characters, and dozens of blockbuster movies later, superhero franchises are one of the few big money growth industries left in America aside from marijuana.
This got us passing a joint and wondering, “Who would be the best and worst superheroes to get stoned with?”
The Fantastic Four
Sure, Mr. Fantastic can pass you a joint from clear across a room, but he’s likely to bore you to death talking about his latest research. The Invisible Girl can make the stash invisible if the cops show up, but how do you pass the joint to someone you can’t see? The Thing, he’s already “stoned,” but his rocky fingertips make him the worst joint passer ever. The Human Torch is great to have around for lighting bowls and heating nails, but he also torches flowers and melts any glass you hand him.
Superhero Team Stoner Grade = C-
The Justice League
Superman’s Kryptonian biology doesn’t react to Earth cannabinoids, which is good, because he’d chief the whole joint in one super-breath. Batman’s got every paraphernalia tool you’d ever need on his utility belt and the Green Lantern can conjure up the wickedest bongs. When supplies are low, Flash is the fastest dispensary delivery service ever. In a pinch, Wonder Woman’s bracelets work as a makeshift dab skillet. Just don’t pass a joint to Aquaman or they’ll come back soggy.
Superhero Team Stoner Grade = C+
Tony Stark’s got some pretty cool paraphernalia built into that Iron Man suit. Ant-Man could harvest trichomes for hashish by hand. Dr. Bruce Banner seems to stay pretty mellow as long as you keep him stoned, but when there’s a dry spell, Hulk smashes all your glass. Sound great? Keep in mind that Captain America, that goody-two-shoes, won’t stand by and let people break federal laws, and Spider-Man, that’s way too close to spider mites for our taste.
Superhero Team Stoner Grade = B
Not only does Professor Xavier know who’s holding, he probably qualifies for a medical marijuana card. Cyclops can heat up your dab rig if you want some concentrates and Wolverine can slice up a Swisher Sweet if you’d rather roll a blunt. However, Storm keeps blowing the lighter out when you try to light the blunt and Rogue absorbs your psyche when you pass to her. Bongs are out because Iceman keeps freezing up the bong water. Fortunately, if the cops show up, Nightcrawler can teleport all the stash away.
Superhero Team Stoner Grade = A