Let me set the scene. You are at a party, you layered on your flyest lipstick and are looking like a bad bitch. You’re smiling, getting your flirt on, doing your thing. Then (finally) joints start getting passed around, and you hit them all because duh. You’re stoned, you’re confident, this party is great. You saunter into the bathroom an hour later to see that said joints left a gaping hole of ugly where your lipstick once was. It’s a damn shame.
So what’s a stoner chick to do?
One should not have to chose between fabulous lipstick and hitting that blunt. Maybe we can have it all.
May I present you with the great lipstick/joint case study—what brands can last through a smoke session and which just don’t cut it.
Lucky for you, I tried many of them, ranging from specialty brands to drugstore classics. Blunts, joints and bowls, I smoked them all in my favorites lip picks. And I did it for you.
Ranked from worst to best performing, take a look and wear accordingly.
Usually a big fan of the brand, I own many of their shades and styles. But when it comes to maintaining wear through a smoke sesh, NYX couldn’t cut it.
I was wearing the Wicked Lippie in “Betrayal,” and this shit destroyed my joint. Starting at the first hit, deep purple spread higher and higher up the joint, melting from my face onto the paper. By the end of the joint, I had a sad ring around my lip line and some residue on my chin as well. The only slightest saving grace was that it was easy to wipe the remaining pigment from my face—so at least there is that.
To be fair, I opted to try a gloss this time around. It’s not all CoverGirl's fault. Glosses are the worst.
Wearing Colorlicious Gloss in “Succulent,” I decided to give the gloss a shot at lasting and just hit a bowl. Needless to say, gloss was alllll over my pipe. A nice sticky ring of shame. What makes this not come in dead last is it was still miraculously on my lips afterwards, so I was still shiny and pretty, just with a slimy pipe.
I was surprised that MAC ranked so low on the list, as it’s a rather pricey buy. But, looking at my joint covered in Russian Red, it was the simple truth—this lipstick couldn’t hang. The creamy color sort of stayed on my lips (still needing a touch up), but it was all over the paper.
It loses points for being so expensive yet unable to last.
Another expensive brand that’s only available online, I was hoping for a better outcome. Wearing “Blow,” a super deep forest green, my joint was immediately covered in the lipstick. It also did the fun thing of transferring from the joint paper to my friends' lips who hit it after me! What a special trick.
This one comes in at number 4 because after all that, my lips themselves still looked perfect.
I was pretty happy with how well this drugstore favorite lasted through a blunt.
Opting for Colorburst Lip Butter in “Sorbet,” my lips were still a pretty glossy pink when the blunt came to an end. Looking around, no one else's face had my lipstick transferred to them, so all in all, it went pretty well.
Selecting Benetint Lip Stain in “Rose,” I knew this stain could stand the test of time. Subtle and lasting, only a tiny bit of red hue went onto the joint, and my lips looked perfect afterwards.
Only downfall is this shit is expensive, coming in at $30.
1. Lime Crime
Oh, Lime Crime. I love you so much. Sure, it’s expensive and only available online or at Urban Outfitters, but this shit is revolutionary. Wearing “Trouble” from their Velvetine line, this liquid to matte lipstick will stay with you until the bitter end. I smoked a joint, it remained totally perfect, the joint was clean, and I still had to scrub it off my lips with baby oil at the end of the day.
If you are gonna live hard, this is the only product for you. While it couldn’t save how sad my stoned, nearly closed eyes looked, the lipstick still kept me feeling flawless.
The bottom line is...you get what you pay for.
And even when you pay for it, not every lipstick can hack it in the tough life of a fabulous stoner chick.
Tried any brands that work better for you? Tweet me @juliannthrax, make my life better.