Some of you need a little help out there. Here's five tips on how not to be a jerk when stoned:

1. Eating All the Cookies

Your roommate’s girlfriend mentions that she’s baking cookies -- just ordinary cookies, nothing special -- sometime in the afternoon. You leave, forget about the cookies -- they’re not even special -- and go about your day. By the time you arrive home that night, stoned as all hell, the cookies have long since finished baking. They never stood a chance. Ravaged. They’re ravaged. By you. And your roommate walks out of his room around the halfway mark. Bad times.


2. The Extended, Unconscious Stare Down

Stoned folks have been known to stare into space every once in a while. Sometimes the space being stared through has people in it. Sometimes those people notice the dry-eyed zombie who is unervingly staring straight though face and body. Stoned folks have been known not to realize that they’ve been staring down a stranger for several minutes until someone starts screaming. Mind the eyeballs, people.


3. Narcolepsy

Ever fall asleep places you shouldn’t? Like on somebody’s couch during a party? Or mid-sentence in a conversation? These are the dangers of smoking too much weed and attempting to be a social person.


4. Contextually Inappropriate Laughter

The hilarity of your average social situation multiplies exponentially when lit by the happy green glow of marijuana. Everyone knows that. Sometimes it’s not a good thing. People tend to get pissed when you can’t stop laughing at the dance routine they’ve been working on for the past couple of months. Is it objectively, highly hilarious? Yes, yes it is. Does that make it okay to laugh at? Honestly, yeah. Will the non-stoned appreciate your shit? Probably not.


5. Sudden Verbal Dyslexia

Trying to feign soberness in order to hold a conversation can have some seriously stupid consequences. No matter how hard you try, dumb shit is going to escape your mouth eventually. Usually the flat-out screw ups aren’t as interesting as Freudian slips. They’ll just make you look like a goddamn idiot. Examples: “Hey car, where’s your Paul?” or “I have to take five classes this spring because I only took three semesters last semester.” What? You did what? I’m sure you guys have an infinite number of way more entertaining examples. Post some in the comments so we can all laugh together.