Stoner kitchens come in all shapes and sizes, and not everyone has the same level of ingredient inventory to work with when it comes to making otherworldly munchies. But who’s to say you can’t come up with sensational snacks with a sparsely stocked fridge, freezer and pantry?
With a little ingenuity, boldness and imagination, you can easily whip up insane eats using combinations you may not have thought would work at initial inkling, but prove to be delicious after your first taste -- without the need for culinary skills anywhere close to on par with a chef. More often than not, these unconventional dishes were created out of a lack of resources (along with a stone-set desire to not leave the house or order banal delivery for the umpteenth time), so they’ll be especially inspirational to aspiring newbie cooks.
Let’s get munchin’!
White Castle burgers with crazy toppings
Sure, these spongy, baby-sized burgers are the most obvious choice for a post-blunt snarf-fest. But, if you’ve never tread beyond the traditional adornment of pickles and ketchup on these little guys, you’re missing out on some intense flavor delight. The frozen ones you get at the store come with just meat, bun and cheese (should you opt for cheeseburgers), so you’re free to dress yours however you please when the “drive-thru” is your microwave. Try slathering them with Zatarains Creole mustard and a drizzle of honey; a dollop of sour cream and a dash of chipotle hot sauce; a spoonful of kimchi and Korean chili sauce (aka gochujang; you can buy both of them in jars at most supermarkets and Asian grocery stores); or a splash of steak sauce and ring of fresh of canned pineapple. You can also get kooky with ketchup (or cooky with catsup, if you prefer) by infusing it with other ingredients -- a splash of bottled teriyaki sauce or a dash of curry powder or sweet chili sauce stirred into the best of Heinz’s 57 offerings will create super-condiments that’ll elevate these all-American gut-busters to gourmet.
A “stoner salad” consists of any kind of leafy greens you have laying in your fridge and whatever random ingredients you can find in your kitchen to round it out. Don’t worry if you don’t have the usual salad suspects on hand -- pretty much anything goes in a stoner salad. If you really like croutons and candied nuts, but you don’t have either, relax; simply toss in a handful of Honey Nut Cheerios and BOOM, you’ve substituted for both. Don’t have any fresh or dried fruit? Don’t sweat it. Rip open a pack of fruit snacks and pour them in. If you have any fresh carrot, onion, tomato, or cucumber, it goes without saying that you should add those in, as well, along with a healthy pinch of salt and pepper.
The best part is the stoner salad dressing; if you don’t have anything readymade, you can easily make your own oil- or mayo-based concoction to finish things up. Three parts oil to one part vinegar is the traditional vinaigrette ratio, and vigorously stirring a fork or whisk through the mix will produce what chefs call an emulsion. Add a little salt, pepper and Italian seasoning and you’ve got a basic dressing. Mayo is already emulsified, and you can use it as the foundation for a creamier dressing by whisking some apple or cranberry-raspberry juice, a splash of balsamic or red wine vinegar (optional), and some salt, pepper and dried herbs into it.
Bacon with anything sweet
Oh, bacon. There’s really no bad way to eat you.
Whether you purchase it pre-cooked, buy it raw and microwave it between bunched up sheets of Bounty, or you pan-fry it in its own flavorful fat, you know you’re in for a tasty treat once that crispy-cooked strip crosses the threshold of your lips. Shit, even sprinkling fists full of Bac-Os into your upturned oral cavity makes for some fine munchie morsels.
But have you ever made a conscious choice to consume bacon with something sweet? Sure, everyone knows about those happy accidents that occur when the maple syrup from your pancakes oozes over to the pork product on your breakfast platter like a sexy trespasser, but we’re talking preconceived plan here. If this doesn’t describe you, don’t feel too bad about yourself; after all, it’s not how you’re taught to eat bacon in most schools.
Here at HIGH TIMES Culinary Academy, however, we teach our disciples differently. We know that bacon begs to be hooked up with tastes that balance it, and since it can hold its own against pretty much any other salty-savory flavor around, it needs some suga’ to synergize it.
Try this: cook up four to eight strips of bacon (or bust out the Bac-Os and a small bowl), and then spread/coat/drizzle each one with a different sweet topping (if using Bac-Os, do multiple rounds with about a teaspoon of sweet stuff to every tablespoon of crunchies). Don’t limit your imagination! Any kind of jam/preserves/jelly, honey, syrup (not just maple!), and dessert sauce will work. (Yes, even chocolate syrup marries well with this magical meat.) Fresh and dried fruits, caramel -- you name it, and it’s a virtual lock that it’ll amp up your bacon. Some of our favorite bacon buddies are blueberry jam, yellow passion fruit syrup, and milk chocolate sauce with a hint of Chinese five-spice powder mixed in.
Grilled cheese with jam/jelly/preserves/marmalade
Yet again, sweet fruit spreads are exerting their presence in a dish on this list, and with so many kinds available, you’ll never run out of enticing options once your appetite kicks in after some bingers. From classics like strawberry jam, grape jelly and orange marmalade to obscure varieties like boysenberry, peach and hot pepper, there are millions of permutations between spreads and cheeses you can try. HIGH TIMES recommends using melty havarti, brie or fontina cheese with rosemary-garlic jelly -- you’ll never want to eat grilled cheese again without it. Put in some bacon for good measure.
Omelet with orange marmalade, toasted almonds and powdered sugar
Eggs are not something you’d initially think of starring in a sweet application, but this simple omelet with orange marmalade, toasted, slivered almonds and powdered sugar is shockingly satisfying, especially after lighting up a heaping bowl of Blueberry Haze. Lightly beat and season your eggs with a pinch of salt, then cook in a non-stick pan until it forms an omelet. Spoon marmalade across half the omelet, top with slivered almonds (to toast them, heat over low in a dry pan for about a minute, shaking the pan constantly) and then plate. Finish with a generous dusting of powdered sugar and dig in.
This is great for stoners trying to cut out unnecessary carbs and who are looking for a quick bite that requires minimal thought and work. Simply pour your favorite jarred/canned tomato sauce into a microwave-safe bowl (vodka sauce also works well, and don’t forget the Bac-Os with it!) and top with an ample amount of shredded mozzarella or Italian blend cheese. Add any seasonings you like (salt, pepper, garlic powder, crushed red pepper and oregano come to mind) and microwave, covered, for roughly 60 to 90 seconds. When it comes out, the bowl may be very hot, so be careful, and the cheese should be ooey-gooey and some should have crisped up around the bowl’s edges. If you want shit to get real, tuck some pepperoni, chopped onions and diced bell pepper between the sauce and cheese before heating, and you’ll have “supreme” pizza soup (Bread dipping is totally allowed).
Apple or pear slices with cold cuts, honey and cheese
Some people may already know this, but to those who don’t, listen up: when certain fruits and cheeses are paired together, unbelievable taste synergies happen that can only be explained by experiencing it yourself. Pear with almost any blue cheese, apple with cheddars and bries.... If you like fresh fruit and cheese by themselves, but have never combined them, then now’s the time to find out what you’ve been missing. Potheads who can confidently cut with a sharp knife should try slicing the fruit into nickel-thin “crackers,” then top/spread them with cheese. If you have salami, ham, or even bologna chillin’ in your fridge, break it out and add some into the equation. Then, finish it off with a little honey (because honey is awesome even when you don’t have munchies) and commence popping these blissful bites into your mouth.
If you’ve got fresh ground beef but no kaiser rolls for burgers, it’s all good if you’ve got Eggos in your freezer. Sub out bland, boring buns for some sweet, blueberry waffles, and your burgers will never be the same. To make burgers, simply put the ground beef in a mixing bowl and season it with salt, pepper, and your favorite herbs and spices (and perhaps some maple syrup?) and shape into patties with wet hands. Then, cook on both sides in a lightly oiled pan, on a grill or griddle at medium to medium-high heat until it reaches your desired temperature. Toast two waffles after you flip the patty and it’s almost done, and then sandwich the meat between them. You can also use donuts if you’re feeling unabashedly decadent.
Beer dogs with onions
Hot dogs are often found in fridges of stoners because they’re super easy to make and, depending on the brand, fairly adequate for snacking. Beer is also found in many a stoner’s refrigerator, and if you happen to possess both, you’re halfway to eating an unexpectedly awesome meal. You don’t even need the onions to make this work, but they definitely help bolster the flavor. Start by slicing up one onion (if you choose to use it) and cutting up two to three hot dogs into bite-sized chunks. Add a tablespoon of oil or a large pat of butter to a pan and heat over a medium flame. Then, add the hot dog pieces and brown them up on all sides. Add the onions and continue cooking for a few minutes, then pour one whole beer into the pan and let it reduce by about 75 percent. You’ll be left with the stoner version of beer brats, and it may just change your life.
Celery, mushroom and parmesan salad
If you think you can only enjoy mushrooms when they’re cooked and that celery should never be center-stage in a recipe, try this stoner-friendly salad after your next J and then reevaluate your stance. A dressing of olive oil and lemon juice can’t get any simpler, and it’s all you need, along with the saltiness from the cheese, to change the raw mushroom experience from horrendous to heavenly. The crispness and watery mouthfeel of the celery plays incredibly well off the mushy mushrooms, and the brightness of the dressing really wakes up your palate. Using a little fresh parsley and high-quality parmesan (that you have to shave/grate yourself) is the real secret to making this salad extraordinary, however, you can certainly get away with substituting dried herbs and pre-grated parm if that’s all you’ve got in your fridge. Also, feel free to omit the chives, as they’re essentially superfluous, save for the aesthetics they add.